You know

I read this Psalm last night and many pieces had special significance for us.

You have searched me, Lord,

and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

  Dad is continuing to grow weaker and we're wondering if he is starting to lose some cognition, but he is continuing to surprise us with his humor and his strength, and even got out of bed today when hospice came to install a mattress thing to help relieve the pressure on his tailbone. Where he found the strength to sit up, much less stand, we do not know.  Mom and I are convinced it was sheer stubborn determination alone. 

The vomiting is better, perhaps due in part to his weakening, but we are grateful.  He was able to sleep for almost an hour at a time last night, which is also a blessing and this allows Mom to get some sleep too.

Please keep praying for comfort and rest.  We know that He who created our inmost being  knew the days ordained for Dad before one of them came to be.  We know that these days too are in his control.

Easter Sunday

Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays.  The hope and promise of the risen Lord shines through in the music, the excitement in the early morning, and the promise of spring in the air.  This Easter was much quieter than other years, but a good day none the less.  Dad's retching has calmed down quite a bit.  Last night could not be called pleasant, but was better as there were longer lengths of time where his stomach was calm enough to allow him to rest and sleep.  We are so grateful for your prayers, and for a God who hears the cries of his children.

When I got here on Tuesday, Dad was spending a large part of his day in the living room, either on the couch or in the chair, and as will come to no surprise to those of you who followed his journey last year, he was walking laps in the house a few times a day.  Yesterday (Saturday), he was able to move to walk to the living room and spent a few hours with us sitting up in a chair, mostly drifting in and out of sleep, but no walking around other than the trip from the bedroom to the living room.  Mom and I were discussing the modern day traditions of Passover and didn't really think Dad was paying attention, but he surprised both of us by joining in the conversation a bit and defining a Hebrew term we were discussing. 

Today, he was not able to make it to the living room and spent the day in his room, and not much talking.  He is noticeably weakening as dehydration and electrolyte imbalance settle in deeper.  However, as I was sitting with him this morning, and just talking about not much of anything, I mentioned that I might go out and prune the blackberry bushes sometime this week, he did rouse enough to say "hedge trimmers... behind the blazer"  That is so my Dad. :)

We received a few phone calls today from family and friends and it is always good to talk.  While Dad is not up to talking to anyone in person, Mom and I passed on the greetings that were sent via phone and facebook to Dad, and he was smiling at the pictures of cute kids in their Easter finery.  A friend from the church in Bellingham asked that we tell Dad that he prayed through Matthew 25 for Dad today.  We passed that message on, and while I wasn't positive he understood, this evening he asked me to read him the passage, which I did (the parable of the talents "well done good and faithful servant"). As Dad was drifting in and out as I read, I continued on through the end of Matthew to read the the Easter story.  Dad woke up enough at one point to apologize for sleeping, and I reassured him that it was just fine and asked if it was OK if I sang some hymns while he slept.  He nodded his assent and I sang "how great thou art" in my warbling way, again not sure how much Dad was aware of what was being said/sung, but when I got to the verse
 "And when I think
that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die,
I scarce can take it in -
That on the cross,
my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died
to take away my sin!"

Dad lifted up his hand and pointed to himself and raised his hand in adoration.
When I finished he asked for "And Can it Be" which I sang and then went on to sing other favorites of mine and his.  He had eyes closed and not too responsive for most of this, but a couple of times I asked if I should continue and he nodded that I should.  It was a sweet time of fellowship with him.

Thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement for all of us.  We sense them mightily and are grateful for each one of you.  Praise God that we serve a Risen Savior.  His grace is sufficient

Prayer request

It was a difficult night for Dad.  Could I ask that you please pray for some relief from the deep retching.  His body is reacting to the location of the cancer (in his abdomen) the rearrangment of his stomach and removal of most of his esophagus at surgery in September by trying to expel the contents of anything (everything?) inside. While he is not taking in anything more than ice chips and a few sips of ginger ale, there is still bile and other things the body is producing that he is trying to expel.

This causes some obvious problems with medications and amount that may be in his system.  The drugs he's been taking for the last week or so are all the kind that dissolve in his mouth (not swallowed). But we're still unsure how much is staying in his systme. Yesterday, our hospice nurse worked with the pharmacy to create a "lotion" that can be applied on the skin with some of the drugs including one that is supposed to help relax the muscles and help relieve the vomiting.  We tried this for the first time last night, but so far we haven't seen much difference.  We're hoping that giving it a little more time to work into his system will help.

Mom is so very strong and is by his side constantly doing all the gross work involved with this without any complaint but also without any real rest.

Please pray for
1. Relief from the retching
2. Wisdom to know which drugs help
3. Method of application of the drugs that will penetrate to provide relief
4. Peace

Maundy Thursday

Thank you so much to all of you who have been praying for us.  I (Sara) am in Washington and enjoying my time with Mom and Dad.  Dad is very sick and it is difficult to see him so frail, but we are all so grateful that we know that this time is only temporary and our true home is waiting for us. 

Dad has some good moments and some not so good moments.  Yesterday was a relatively good day.  So much so that he was able to give me instructions on reassembling the lawn mower and even an in-bed tutorial on the weed wacker.

Today is a bit tougher and not as active as we are letting the morphine do it's work and letting Dad sleep as much as he can.

Keep praying for comfort and rest for Dad, and the same for Mom.

Plans

Was it really only a week ago that we got the report that Dad's cancer has returned?  It feels like a lifetime.  This has been a week of planning and preparation.

I (Sara) will be flying to Washington on Monday, Mar 25, and both the boys have tickets to come out in in the following weeks. Nathan to get there on April 6, and Andrew on the 13th.  I am so blessed to have a job that will allow me to work from Washington, but my supervisor and other leadership in the department have assured me that I can take all the time I need and to not have to worry about trying to get hours in.  My work life over the past two years including my current position, which it turns out I love, has been such a clear example of God going before me to prepare Good for me and not Disaster.  I am truly grateful for the position and my co-workers.

Mom and Dad have also been making plans this week.  From conversations with hospice to finalizing taxes, they have been busy.  Dad is tired very quickly and it sounds as though the cancer in the abdomen is advancing very quickly. It may be days or a few weeks that we have left with Dad, but as Mom reassured me last night, this too is in God's hands and His timing is perfect.

Specific prayer requests
1. Comfort from pain - Dad was given multiple drugs for pain this week. Please pray for wisdom for both Mom and Dad as they figure out doses and combinations of these new drugs

2. Traveling mercies - We live in a day where we can get across the country in hours, but Monday will still be a long day with a couple of shuttles, a couple of planes, and a couple of car rides.

3. Wisdom - For all of us as we figure out the questions to ask of the doctors, hospice workers, and each other.

4. Glory to God - Please pray that God would be glorified in our words and actions to all those around us.  From co-workers to cab drivers to our kids we'll be having conversations about many things and opportunities to go deeper into who God is than we may have ever before.  Please pray that God's goodness would shine through even in our pain.

Always

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:4

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior Habakkuk 3:18

It is with an aching heart that I write these words. After receiving a positive report at his 3-month scan in December, now at six months Dad’s cancer has returned and seemingly with a vengeance. Perhaps at some point I’ll write about the details and the new anatomy terms I have learned this week (who knew there was an omentum, and that it had anything to do with cake?), but suffice it to say that the cancer from his esophagus that we knew had entered his lymph nodes has now moved (metastasized) into his abdomen.

Mom and Dad met yesterday (Thursday afternoon) with the oncologist in Everett to discuss the results of the CT scan that was done on Wednesday. I have not yet heard the details of this discussion, but the end result was that Mom and Dad will be looking into hospice care for the next month or so. We are a bit in shock right now and will be making lots of decisions in the coming days about lots of things, but wanted to let you, our family and friends, who have been so faithful in praying for us and encouraging us, know what is happening.

I know that both Mom and Dad would like to talk to so many of you in person, and I hope that you are not offended to find out this way, but we wanted to get the word out and start the prayers as soon as possible and thought that everyone hearing at one time may be better than telling some and inadvertently “missing” others.

There are a number of verses that have been running through my mind over the last 12 hours.  You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you (Isaiah 26:3).  Therefore, prepare your minds for action, be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed (I Peter 1:13). But for some reason Philippians 4:4 is going over and over in my mind. This is one of those “always” time that rejoicing is difficult, but I am clinging to the command to rejoice, knowing that God is in control of all of this, and in that I can rejoice.

Progress

Creeping up to a month post surgery, and Dad is doing really, really well.  A visit with the surgeon last week cleared him to eat anything he wants to try, including sausage!  However, it's been a bit of a learning curve to figure out what works and what doesn't. The first week home was mostly soft foods.  Second week added a bit more meat and potatoes.  He's been avoiding things like rice, toast, and veggie and fruit "skin" to make sure that nothing gets caught in the anastamosis (the place where his stomach and what's left of his esophagus meet in his throat) as it is healing. He's done OK with rice, but still avoiding most of the other stuff.  He's been advised to get 105 grams of protein a day, which is equivalent to 15 servings!  So we've been checking labels and adding greek yogurt and tofu to our diet as we can.  Did you know that one container of Fage plain greek yogurt has 20 grams of protein?  That is a crazy amount, especially for something that tastes like sour cream :)   So, as we had read and everyone seemed to tell us, multiple mini meals throughout the day works better than 3 square meals, and he and Mom are figuring out what and when works for them.  Eating throughout the day has never been a problem.  Eating the right things so that by the end of the day you've gotten all the nutrients you need is a bit harder.

He has also been OK'd to drive since he isn't on any of the heavy medications.  However, his external incisions keep him from being able to turn his head very far or very quickly.  And he still has the 10 lb lifting restriction for another month or so.  But he's getting stronger every day.  He and Mom drove out to the thrift store in Warm Beach last week, and Dad worked at Josephine (the nursing home where he does chaplain work) for a few hours on Friday.  We're planning to go to Bellingham tomorrow for church, but Dad won't be preaching, still a few weeks before he and his voice are strong enough for that.

Because he is doing so well, and because Andy and his family will be coming out for a visit later in October, I'm heading back to Rochester on Tuesday.  I really didn't know what to expect for this recovery time, but have been amazed to see God at work to bring Dad so far so quickly.